by Rick Shearer aka Proto-Rustie
PART ONE
This wonderful tale originally appeared on Hyperrust.org in June and July 1998. Neil had been promising the release of the first volume of his Archives for a good while, and had most recently been saying it would be released “in July”. Rick Shearer, it seems, took him at his word…
For those who don’t know, the “Missing 6” were six of Neil’s albums which had at that time not yet been made available in CD format.
Reproduced with kind permission of Hyperrust.org.
RB
Tue, 30 Jun 98 16:03:00 PDT: July Is Nigh
Hi Rusties, welcome back from the Rock’n’Roll Hall of Fame RustFest.
JULY IS NIGH…
I’m heading down to Tower Records after work, after I pick up a ham sandwich at the deli, and a Young’s RAMROD Ale. I’m getting in line to buy (flourish here)…
THE MISSING 6 AND THE ARCHIVES
Excuse me all to hell for yelling, I’m just so excited. I just refinanced my home so I can afford all of this at once.
See y’all there
Rick ‘proto-rustie’
Tue, 30 Jun 98 19:13:00 PDT: Later This Evening
Hi Rusties, well I’m first in line at Tower Records to pick up the July release of the M6 and Archives. I figure they’re going to reopen at midnight tonight for an event as big as this – and I’m gonna be here.
Actually I’m the only one in line right now. I know some of you SoCal Rusties will be here soon. I’ve got plenty of ham sandwiches and Young’s RAMROD Ale in case you want to join. Getting lots of looks from envious Tower customers wishing they could be here too. Too bad, you conservative white collar bozos! Boy this ale is good. Kind of warm tonight. Think I’ll have another. Ahhh. See y’all when y’all get here.
Rick ‘proto-rustie’
Tue, 30 Jun 98 22:15:00 PDT: Closing Time
Hi Rusties — they just closed Tower Records. It’s 10:10pm. I see a few people inside. I guess they’re going to break out the boxes and boxes of CDs, Tapes and videos (yes the video archives too). And probably some posters, window displays, and life size cardboard Neils to put around the store. I can see it now. What a glorious midnight it will be. Oops there goes the lights. Wow, they’re really going to surprise us.
I’m still first in line, and um the only person in line. Boy, wish a few Rusties would join me. whistle whistle. Sure is dark here. Good thing I brought this Young’s RAMROD ale for everyone. Think I’ll have another. Ahhhh….
Jeeze. They call these things laptops? It’s sure putting a lot of pressure on my lap. Must be all the RAMROD. Wish I had asked to use their bafroom earlier. Thish is not so muxh fun. Can’t leave my place in line. Wish some other Rusties would show up soon. Then I could leave the line a minute and find a private shpot. Can’t pee right on 17th Street, …can I?
Don’t worry Cutlass Supreme, I’ll get a set for you too. I know you’re good for it. After all I have all the refi money on me.
Rick ‘proto-rustie’
Wed, 01 Jul 98 06:03:00 PDT: After The Drunk Tank
Hi Rusties. What a headache. I am so depressed. After having so many Young’s RAMROD Ales in the Tower Records parking lot while waiting for them to reopen at midnight to sell the M6 and the Archives, I finally had to give up my place as first in line and go relieve myself. It was about 11:30 and I figured you other Rusties were reading my posts and knew there wasn’t much of a hurry so you were waiting for midnight to come down. Don’t know how you could turn down a free Young’s RAMROD Ale and a ham sandwich – oh well. Hardly anyone ever answers my posts either.
Anyway it was dark at the back of the TR parking lot, and I thought I heard critters in the drainage ditch beyond. So I tried to hide behind a telephone pole on 17th st. and drain the… you know, when suddenly here comes the law. At least they waited until I was finished before they threw me kicking and screaming HELL NO, I WON’T GO — I’M WAITING FOR THE MISSING SIX! into their squad car.
At the courthouse the midnight judge fined me $1000 for resisting arrest, urinating in public and public drunkenness — and he ordered me to spend the night in the tank. But that still left me with $500 from my home refinance to buy one set of the archives and M6 (sorry Andy, you’ll have to get your own), or so I thought.
Jail wasn’t so bad at first. I raised pigeons and read the walls. Seems as though other Rusties had been there before, as things like FREE THE M6 and PRISONERS OF ROCK AND ROLL were etched in the cement walls.
Then they brought in Butch.
Butch was pretty ok, at first. He just laughed when he found out what I was in for. He said he’d spent half his life in jail. This was just his latest — he’d just been hauled in for mayhem and date rape.
He sat on my cot with me and we talked about Neil. I thought he was a fan too. He said his favorite song was Stupid Girl. But then as he started edging closer he told me about who he inflicted himself on this night and I realized… well, you get the picture. So I gave him the $500 I had remaining to not be his “special friend”. This made him happy, the lousy whore.
So they let me go at 6am, penniless, archiveless, M6less, and carless, because it’s still in the TR parking lot. Well not really penniless, because I stashed $1000 remaining refinance funds (its not a big house) in the glove compartment. Now that I’ve finished telling you the latest installment of my tale, I plan on walking back to the Tower and being first in line when they reopen at 9am. Its disappointing that I missed the midnight madness. Maybe some of you can write and tell Rust what it was like.
Rick ‘proto-rustie’
Wed, 01 Jul 98 09:03:00 PDT: 9:00am
Hi Rusties. It’s 9 am and I just got back to Tower Records on foot. Why did that jail have to be across town? I don’t see any Neil-abilia in the windows. And….I don’t see my car. Shit. What’s next?
Goin’ inside………………………
Damn, they had my car towed! Said someone had broken into it. Hope they didn’t get the $1000 in the glove compartment.
Then the TR person said “M6? Archives? That’s not on our list.”
Well, gotta walk to the impound lot. I’m a good Rustie though. I’ll bet you they’ll be released next Tuesday. That’s when new releases normally happen. Yeah, Tuesday. That must have been the problem — Tuesday was June 30. Not July! Next Tuesday. I will prevail. I will return. I have faith.
See you all at the record store next Tuesday. Maybe I’ll skip the midnight part this time. 🙂
Rick ‘proto-rustie’
Thu, 02 Jul 98 16:19:00 PDT: A Day Later
Hi Rusties, thought I’d let you guys know how this sad story has worked itself out. A lot of you have written and offered me bail money and more Young’s RAMROD Ale. I ‘preciate it. Butch has a website where we’ve just added a place where you can donate electronically to the Proto-Rustie Recovery Fund. It’s at www.pumpiniron.com.gr. More about that in a moment.
I had walked 5 miles across town from the drunk tank to The Tower Records to find out that my car was towed and there were no M6, and no Archives. Then, since The City of Costa Mesa and Butch had all of my money, I had to walk 5 miles back to the impound lot, which is next door to the drunk tank. The guys at the tank thought it would be a good joke on me to not let me know about my car.
Of course you need money to get your car out of impound, and I only had what was left of my refi money stashed in the glove compartment. But my car had been broken into and that money was gone too, along with some Rust items I happened to have with me that day:
Dragon Mom’s tapes, all wrapped up in a box with stamps already attached (maybe the crook will mail it to you DMom).
Jim Beller’s super secret Brownie recipe
The complete Shakey Jack vs RE*AC*TOR transcripts
The email address of each and every stealth taper on the Rust List. (Sorry you guys. Hope nothing comes of it.)
They also got my hand held GPS unit with Neil’s Santa Rosa ranch precise coordinates bookmarked in it. Damn, hope Elliot doesn’t find out.
So I called my wife and when she found out I lost all the refinance money, she kicked me out. Guys — make one lousy mistake and the girls remember it forever.
Now I was really stuck.
As I was walking away from the impound lot who should drive by but Butch. Seems he had been released by the judge on the condition that he wear at all times an electronic sex offender’s collar. So he came and picked up his car and that’s when he saw me.
I’ll be rooming with Butch until I can get on my feet again. Seems pretty safe, he does have that collar and all. There’s a button the offended can push, if they can reach it during the heat of battle, that will call the police. Well, sounds better than sleeping on the street.
So here we are. He cooks pretty good too. And he loaned me that spot on his website, www.pumpiniron.com.gr. If you have room for a few extra $$$ on your credit card and you want to help out a Rustie who’s only crime is that he wanted the M6 and the Archives, please go ahead. Remember: but for the grace of God, there you could be instead of me.
Rick ‘proto-rustie’
Tue, 7 Jul 98 10:03:00 PDT: Next Tuesday Arrives
Hi Rusties. Well it’s the first Tuesday of July now, and the Missing 6 and the Archives have gotta be at Tower Records, right? I didn’t camp out here last night because of the stake-out (more about that in a minute). But I’m going in now.
It’s a long trek from the Mexican border, but I’m here. I just picked up the termination check from the large aerospace company where I used to work and can still afford the whole Neil shooting match, if I skip my alimony payment. Boy am I excited.
But first, let me tell you what’s happened in the last few days. Butch and I went to the beach on July 4. We had gone to watch the new Huntington Beach Roller Hockey games you see on ESPN2 when Butch got a little excited watching all those slacker dudes skating around. First he suggested I grow a goatee. Well, no, no hair on my chinny chin chin, so he got a little ticked off and jumped over the wall and starting goosing some of those skaters, the bitch. Well, one of them hit him on the neck with his hockey stick and set off the sex offender alarm in his collar and the law came running.
When they got there they recognized him from their Wanted posters. Turns out he runs a hidden shower video cam in the men’s locker room at the police station and boy were they pissed. Well, I didn’t know! They associated me with him and wanted to lock me up too. Well, no way was I going to jail with Butch again, so I did a little side step and hopped on Butch’s Vespa, and high tailed it out of there. You might’ve seen the televised 100 mile chase to the border.
With my cunning I managed to get over to Tijuana without being caught. But now I was in a real pickle. I had to get back to pick up the archives on Tuesday. That’s when I met up with the Mariachi’s.
You know, Mariachi’s are a lot like clowns. Everyone is scared of them. You see them walk into a Mexican restaurant and everyone turns their heads and hopes they go away. Well, they recognized me as a fellow traveler, down in his luck, so we waded the river together. They just wanted to come over for a little while and make a few bucks for their kids, and they knew of a Coyote waiting on the other side who would truck them to a garage in Costa Mesa where they’d hang out while making music at night.
Well, that didn’t go too badly. While hiding under the cantaloupes in the back of the truck we came up with a plan. People weren’t really scared of Mariachi’s we decided, it was that damn old music they played. How many times do you want to hear Perfidia or Besame Mucho anyway? So when we got to the garage we rehearsed some new material and last night we tried it out.
We walked into Chester Drawers and hit ‘em with our best stuff – Down By The Rio, and I Got Mierda, and Ceenamon Chica. The horn player did the Neil guitar breaks on Mierda and Chica, while the acoustic guitar guy took the Rio solos. By golly, it worked. They loved us there.
So the Mariachi’s gave me 10% as their new manager, and I’ve got a new career. Just in time too, since I had been AWOL from my aerospace job and was out of work. I took my earnings and went to Tower Records last night to get in line, but that’s when I noticed the stake-out, and I realized they must be watching for me.
So here I am today, 10 am. I borrowed a Mariachi outfit from one of the boys in the band and no one recognizes me. The black shoe polish in my hair is kind of running down my face, I’m perspiring from excitement. Well, here goes…
WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO M6, NO ARCHIVES?
NOT ON YOUR LIST??????
EVERYONE SAYS THEY’LL BE OUT IN JULY!
I can’t stand it. Good grief, I feel like Charlie Brown after Lucy picked up the football for the 100th time, or the kite eating tree got his kite again, or after his weird uncle asked him to play find the… well, never mind that one. Am I the only one who believes in this musical Great Pumpkin?
It’s tough being a Rustie.
I gotta get out of here before I’m recognized… I have to rehearse the Mariachi’s. We’ve got a killer version of Gente Ordinario to practice. Adios Rusties. Somebody let me know when Neil releases this stuff.
I gotta get me a life.
Rick ‘proto-rustie’