“Internal Compass” 8-18-2024
Monarch Butterflies are an enigma.
In the spring, the Monarchs that head north will reproduce and perish long before their dear descendants are set to make their own return journey south. In the fall, the butterflies embarking on their own migration have never visited their destination before, yet they instinctively know the way.
It is thought that they rely on magnetism and sunlight for navigation, but many aspects of their migration remains an absolute conundrum. Perhaps it is their internal compass bringing them back to a new beginning.
Lately I’ve worked very hard to fine tune my internal compass, paying attention to the softening where I once held rigid resentments showing me the areas where I can pivot and grow. Feeling wronged, feeling pissed off; it is satisfying as it brings the adrenaline that covers over the hurt and sadness you want to avoid feeling, covering you like a thick skin. But really it’s just a blister causing more pain. If you just leave it be and feel the hurt, it’s a faster way through the healing.
This hasn’t been easy. The feeling of empathy that arrives after I was so very committed to thinking someone was wrong, and then learning how wrong I was to have judged them so harshly. Everybody is just doing the best they can do. Empathy; it is painful to admit that I was wrong, I was judgmental, when all I ever ask for is to be accepted, and I didn’t even accept someone else or honor who they are or where they are. My intentions are well-meaning but I have learned, and continue to learn, that my way isn’t the only way.
Sometimes my own double standards are dizzying and I do my best to adapt and overcome while walking on unsteady ground. I have learned the only thing I can count on is trusting my gut.
When the sun has set, darkness spreads across the sky and it is quiet and still outside-I can only hear the crickets. The feeling of peace comes over me and I listen to my heart. My heart beats like a steady applause saying: Mika, you are alive-you are doing this-you keep showing up, you are enough, way to go.
I don’t listen to what my best friend advises me to do, or even my mom or therapist (sometimes one and the same)-the only person I listen to in that stillness is… me. That isn’t always foolproof either and I have to make sure it is me, and not my crazy monkey brain of anxiety telling me lies. But when I really tune in and pay close attention to my heart, my gut, my instinct, it always knows what’s best for me.
I have to be mindful to remember that outside influences pushing in all come with the perspective of their life and their experience. How could they possibly know what is best for me, unless we are sharing a major intimate moment or sharing a heart and making choices together?
So for now, I look inwards to my own compass, polishing and fine-tuning it with each step on unchartered paths, sometimes holding the hand of a familiar friend who I have shared a heart with and who I know won’t lead me astray or pull me away from my own grace. But most of the times, it is just me and I stand in my own power and push myself forward.
Today I am content for growth and new beginnings. I spread my wings like the Monarch, basking in the sunshine, gliding in the currents and visiting the flowers. I look to the sky and drink in the vastness of the blue. My world had been so very small. I was shocked by grief for many years and out of reflex I had shrunk myself into something I didn’t recognize, didn’t like, and didn’t know. I was dehydrated and starved of life experience, my thirst now quenched with each dream I cast to the sky.
Today I am grateful. I wish you all peace, forgiveness, and love wherever you need it most. I am rooting for you. Reach out to me and let me know if you need a love letter to cheer you on.
With love and aloha,
Mika