Digital Art by Victoria Cavaleri. 12″ x 12″
van Gogh Painted Flowers on Her Face:
I was very tired, drained, and confused and I escaped into sleep. In a dream I saw myself. My hair was hanging to my waist in ringlets, my face was wet from crying, my eyes were vacant.
I shuddered.
I washed the flowers from my face, and I lay down on my bed. I heard a girl’s voice singing:
“I want to be the one who hurts the most, I wanna feel the pain as deep as it goes,
Let it hurt, I can deal with the pain, let it hurt.”
Who is singing, where is the music coming from, am I crazy or what? The room began to spin… the voice was getting louder.
“How did it feel when you turned and walked out the door?
Just like someone pulled a knife and stabbed it deep in my heart, Let it hurt, I can deal with the pain, let it hurt.”
Who is singing? Oh my God, it’s me! My soul is crying.
“Heard her soul cry
Felt her heart break
Tears fall like rain
van Gogh painted flowers on her face.”
I am in a meadow of soft green clover, it is warm. I am on the ground looking for a four-leaf clover. Neil is suddenly next to me. He has a fist full of four-leaf clovers. He reaches out to me and helps me up. I hear him say, “Our dream is coming true.”
We start toward a group of tall trees. Getting closer I see the trees are weeping willows.
“I have a surprise for you,” Neil tells me.
The skies turn gray, there is the sound of thunder and lightning that looks like beautiful fireworks filling the sky.
I stare at the sky, spellbound. Neil touches my hand softly and shows me that we are standing in front of a white cottage that has a thatched roof and a rose-covered arbor.
Neil has a key to the front door. “We can live here,” he tells me.
Inside the cottage smells like fresh baked bread and cinnamon. Neil is taking me from room to room; the bedroom has a full-size bed covered in a patch work hand made quilt.
I look at Neil and he has changed. He is a man now with a confidence about him that I am seeing for the first time. He has a guitar and is starting to play when there is a knock at the door and it is opened by someone who is walking in unannounced and unexpected. It is Donna.
Everything in the room is now in slow motion and rain starts to fall. The raindrops are pounding down on the thatched roof and as the cottage fades away, I am alone standing in the meadow.
I am looking for something or someone and I can’t find what I am looking for…
Everything is dark again; I am waking up from a deep sleep.
It is cold; I can’t remember ever being this cold. As I open my eyes, I am blinded by the glare of bright sunshine reflecting from the snow drifts that cover the hillside. Nothing looks familiar.
The car is slowing down and turning into a drive-in restaurant. The window is open, and more freezing air forces its way inside the car. The temperature is less than 10 degrees and John has not turned on the car’s heater. I ask him why and he says he needed the cold air so he could stay awake to drive.
I am dressed in jeans and a T-shirt and no shoes. He is talking to the waitress who is standing at the driver’s window and then he turns to me, asking if I want a hamburger. I smell onions and grease, and it makes me gag. I ask for a milkshake. He asks if I want coffee to warm me up. I say “No, I don’t drink coffee.”
“Where are we?” I ask.
“Carson City, Nevada…” he says.
For a moment the sound of Neil singing “Out of my mind and I just can’t take it anymore, left behind by myself and what I am living for,” fills the car as if it’s coming from the radio. John reaches over and turns it off so he can hear what the carhop at the window is saying to him.
I get married in jeans, a T-shirt and cowboy boots, my hair in braids, no bra, and go to bed hungry. John is grateful, he believes this piece of paper will save is life.
At about 1 p.m. on December 28, 1966, John drops me off back at Tandyn’s and drives away. He’s in a hurry to meet the girl who is keeping him company on the long drive to Fort Benning. We had no plans to see one another before the divorce.
Donna is just getting out of the shower. She jumps a mile when she sees me.
“Vic, you’re back so soon,” she said. “I didn’t expect you until tomorrow.” Donna keeps talking, “Hey look, sorry but I’m in a hurry, I am meeting friends. I won’t be back tonight, but I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Do you know where Neil is?” I asked.
“Gone. He left two days ago for New York. ‘Bye, see you tomorrow.” Donna is gone before I can ask any other questions.
Donna had lied to me. Not until the dates of The Buffalo Springfield shows were made available online did suspect the truth … 30 years later.
Buffalo Springfield- American Bandstand
Taped December 28, 1966, for national broadcast on January 21, 1967
ABC Television Center- Hollywood, CA
Neil Young, Bruce Palmer, Richie Furay, Stephen Stills and Dewey Martin
Preview from “Expecting To Fly” by Victoria Cavaleri title borrowed from Neil Young’s 1966 song.
digital art by Victoria Cavaleri 12″ x 10″
